Category Archives: Confessions

Tired

I’m tired.

I’m the kind of tired that can’t be fixed with a couple of hours of extra sleep.

I’m tired way down in my soul. I’m overwhelmed by all that I should be and all that I am not.

I have often heard the phrase, “I’m raising a human being, not managing an inconvenience.” I repeat this to myself over and over because in all honesty, I sometimes feel like the latter rather than the former.

Having children provides constant, unrelenting stress. We all know that. The follow-up to that sentence is usually, “but the moments of joy make it all worth it!”

What does it mean that I don’t always believe that?

Control

I have control issues. Like if I’m not in control, I get out of control.

We did baby led weaning with the twins and it has gone very well so far, with a few exceptions. At 17 months they still do not know how to use a spoon or dip things into yogurt or hummus or that sort of thing. Part of that may be related to their developmental delays, but I don’t know. They aren’t *that* delayed.

They have, up until recently, been great about trying new things and eating many different types of foods. Lately though, they’ve gotten into the habit of turning up their noses at most vegetables, including ones they used to gobble up. I know this is supposed to be a normal phase in their development but it is making me absolutely crazy. The waste is near the top of my list. If they don’t want something they fling it onto the floor, and nothing makes me lose my cool more quickly than that.

Beyond that though, I am terrified of ending up with picky eaters. I just absolutely refuse to cook separate meals for each person in the family. I cook a meal, damn it, and y’all are going to eat it. I refuse to have the sort of children who freak out if they find a millimeter size piece of onion in a dish. I am not going to capitulate to food tantrums.

I keep reading that you should just let your kids make their own decisions about food, and I do that with the volume of food they eat. I provide a variety of foods and don’t include things I don’t want them to eat. We don’t have dessert (at least, they don’t) and I don’t offer what I consider junk food as part of their meals. For example, if we have sandwiches for lunch, chips are not a side dish.

It’s really getting to me that they are suddenly refusing so many foods and I am struggling to be calm about it. I know this is mostly about my own control issues but I don’t know how to deal with that either.

 

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Goldfish Confessions

I am a bit (perhaps more than a bit) of a snob when it comes to food. I’m not a foodie. I don’t expect every meal to be an elaborate, organic, locally sourced, exotic deal. I make meatloaf, just like the rest of us. I am picky about the ingredients I use though. Cheez Whiz, Velveeta, Kraft Singles, Hamburger Helper, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, “parmesan” from a green can, soft drinks, Kool-Aid, Wonder Bread, Cool-Whip, and margarine are some examples of things that do not cross the threshold of my house.

But lately I’ve been noticing the beginnings of the food wars with my 15-month-old twins. I try really hard to make mealtimes pleasant and stress-free. I offer them a variety of healthy foods at each meal and let them decide what and how much to eat.

Which is great in theory.

But then there are the days when one or both scream and throw to the floor every.single.thing I offer them, even Trader Joe’s O’s. I know they are hungry and miserable. I start to panic and feel desperate to get something into them.

That’s when the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish come out. I’m embarrassed that I do this. It feels shameful to me, but so far they have never refused to eat them. I know this is not exactly a healthy food item but I feel better knowing they are eating *something*.

It’s a slippery slope though. Where will I stop? I’m giving them Goldfish now. Will I start grabbing a hamburger for them at a fast food restaurant because we’re in a hurry and I didn’t plan well? Will I buy cans of Spaghetti-O’s because it’s a quick meal in a hurry? I’d like to think I won’t. I currently buy Sprout Organic Toddler Meals to have as a quick and ready meal for them when I need it. They are expensive though and I find that when I know they are in the cupboard, I’m much more likely to feed that to them when I’m feeling rushed or harried instead of using them as an emergency backup.

I feel like I’m sliding down the rope faster than I’d hoped. I know a little slippage is inevitable, but I know I need to pay close attention to what’s happening now so that later on I don’t end up wondering why my kids won’t eat anything with a vegetable in it.

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Feeling Incompetent

Today has been one of those days where I am pretty sure I just can’t do it. I feel completely inept at taking care of my children, my husband, the house and myself. The sleeping problems around here seem to be getting worse, not better, and I am exhausted.

I haven’t been to the supermarket in nearly two weeks. There are mountains of crap piled up on both the dining room and kitchen tables. The kitchen is only clean because Super-Husband cleans it, runs the dishwasher and empties the dishwasher every day. The floors – oh the floors. We have a sand pit in the area next to the dog door. Dog hair tumbleweeds drift across the living room. I can’t remember to do basic things like call the pediatrician for a refill on Jelly’s reflux medicine. Poor OW probably doesn’t remember what I look like naked. I’m so miserable and ashamed about how I’m neglecting him. I swore I wouldn’t.

You know how they say the Universe (or God or Allah or Goddess – take your pick) doesn’t give you more than you can handle? That’s a flat-out lie. It’s a lie. People regularly get more than they can handle. The fact that folks live, physically, through hard times does not mean they “handled” it. People freak out, retreat, end up in psych units, drink, drug and lots of other things.

I’m not drinking (much anyway), drugging, near being committed or anything like that. I am freaking out and retreating. We ARE given more than we can handle sometimes. Now is one of those times for me. There is a voice in the back of my head that whispers, “They will grow out of this. This isn’t forever. You will sleep again. You will be able to vacuum the floor again. You will shave your legs again. You will be able to make time for your husband again.” But I don’t believe her.  I’m having a really hard time seeing past the sleep deprivation; past the endless, miserable days when the boys simply will not sleep.

I made a decision last week that was really, really hard for me, and I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing. I think that’s adding to the stress I’m feeling. I’m not good at making decisions, which is why I married a man who is great at it, and I am nearly always happy to defer to his judgement. But this was a decision only I could make and no one could or can really help me with it.

I come back all the time to the nagging worry that I will not make good decisions and that my poor decisions will negatively impact my children and haunt them into adulthood. I know this is a possibility because I see the results of my bad decisions in my two adult children. The regret I live with is crushing and makes me feel nearly paralyzed when it comes to making certain decisions about the kids in Parenting Part II. I KNOW that I am inept in some ways. Not in every way, I’ll give myself that, but in ways that count. I didn’t think I would have to revisit my shortcomings in this area again. Now here they are, bright and shining in my face like an interrogation lamp.

Maybe I’ll be able to see things more clearly once I’ve had a few days of decent sleep, but I don’t know when that will be. In the meantime,  I am desperately treading water, trying to stop the waves from pushing me under. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just stop kicking, but I know I can’t. And I won’t.

But damn, my legs are tired.

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Odd Confession Day

Odd Confession Day

These are some of the weird, random things I think about or do. Surely I’m not the only one… On the other hand, perhaps I am.

*  I had a bizarre thought last night: This is probably the last penis I’ll ever touch. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

*  I sneak food, even when I’m alone. I’ll buy potato chips at the supermarket, open them in the car on the way home, and then hide them in the car until I can sneak them into the house without OW seeing them. Then I hide them in the back of the pantry.

*  Sometimes when one of the twins is crying and crying nothing seems to help, I softly sing him a lullaby in which the only words are “shut up”.

*  I pretend my hair color is natural even though people can obviously see my roots peeking out.

*  I’m trying to psychically will my twins’ eyes to be blue instead of brown, so they’ll have something from me.

*  I made goulash yesterday from pork that was several days past its sell-by date. We’re having it for dinner tonight but I didn’t tell OW about the age of the pork. I’m seriously hoping it won’t make us sick and I feel very sneaky.

*  I was rinsing a poopy diaper in the toilet (we use cloth) while baby was on the changing table (I know, I know but he can’t move around yet). He was starting to fuss so I rushed to finish and get the diaper in the pail. Then the other baby started to fuss and I got distracted. I finished with baby number one and went on to baby number two. A while later, while they were napping, I was snacking on some pistachios. I kept smelling something weird and my fingers tasted funny when I licked the salt off. I realized with horror that in my distraction earlier I had failed to wash my hands after rinsing the diaper. Ugh to Nth power.

Confess something to me.

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.